Kondisi terakhir...
Sekarat hampir tak berjiwa...
Kosong melompong...
Aku putuskan untuk duduk diam dan melipat tanganku sembari berdoa.

Aku butuh dahaga...

Kuingin kesegaran pembangkit selera...
Yuuuuuu...*sing* - hehehehehe...

*Sigh*, mungkin ini yang dinamakan 'udah kerasukan arwah manja'.
Akhir-akhir ini, sankin terlalu banyak masalah, sepertinya kualitas kegigihan dan tahan banting ku berkurang. Sehingga, sering kali tanpa aku sadari aku bergantung dan terlalu berharap kepada 'manusia'.

Terlalu banyak yang dipendam dan dipikirkan sendiri.
Padahal udah jelas2, Dia bilang, "Marilah datang padaKU, hai kamu yang letih dan lelah."
Gini nih, akibat dari kurang berserah.

Hehehehe....

Cerita ke orang lain, mungkin hanya dapat melegakan sesaat.
Menggantungkan dan terlalu berharap bahwa orang lain dapat selalu berada disisiku setiap saat, juga rasanya tidak adil untuk orang itu.
Sedangkan mereka juga masih punya beribu pekerjaan dan pikiran yang berlipat kali ganda.

Maaf.
Kalau memang merepotkan selama ini :).
Tapi sungguh, akhirnya mataku terbuka.
Dan, aku benar-benar berterimakasih untuknya, ternyata Tuhan masih sayang padaku.

Terima kasih buat semua dukungan, doa dan masukannya selama ini.
Rasanya menyenangkan.Really.

What next?
Trying to find half of my soul that has gone away :).
Feels like I wanna go home.
Recharge energi dan tingkat kedewasaan lagi.
Recharge semangat juang dan harapan lagi.

Doaku:
Bapa yang baik, bantu aku untuk melalui semua ini.
Kita sudah berjalan sejauh ini sekarang, dan aku yakin Kau tidak pernah meninggalkan ku sendiri :).
Aku tahu, terkadang aku sering egois bahkan keras kepala.
Aku juga tahu, orang-orang diluar sana sekarang banyak yang menertawakan ku.
Mereka bisa jadi teman ku, rekan kerja ku, pacarku, bahkan mungkin juga keluarga ku sendiri.

Aku tidak pernah tahu Tuhan.
Tapi kalau Engkau temanku, siapakah lawanku?

Bapa, aku percaya semua yang datang saat ini, pasti akan menuju arah yang lebih baik.
Ajarkan aku untuk lebih bertekuk lutut padaMu lebih lagi.
Lebih merendahkan diri.
Ampuni aku Bapa, kalau saat ini aku akan memilih DIAM.
Aku hanya mencoba dan melihat diluar dari sudut pandangku.

Ajari aku Tuhan, untuk bisa mengambil tindakan yang bijaksana.
Jangan kehendak ku yang jadi Bapa, tapi kehendak Mu jadilah.

Amin.

Sound's familiar with the title of this post for today *hehehehe*, yups... kinda addict with one of the U2 song entitled " Running to Stand Still".

Why?

Here's the story begin:

I'm officially being an unpaid leave employee.
Yups, I already sign my resignation letter.
There's so many stories to talk about.
But the point is, the place that seems so luxurious outside is not as the same as like what you look deeply inside.

Deeply in my hearth, I really enjoy my job was, and I thank God for the blessing. He gave me a chance to work on really-really good time and bad under pressure time, in His time.

Here, I do believe that, practice makes perfect *kemane aje joooooo* - GUBRAKS!!!
Work under pressure, party, having fun, get a big 'slap' in front of your face, and also thousand yelling...been there done that,and maybe still there someday.

This is not a decision that I made in hurry, already though this about 3 months ago. Rethink, rethink, rethink thousand times...until I'm so tired to make it through.
Until I realize, if I've not decided now, so when?

Crazy, yups... because I just go out from my company without at least 'saving one in my pocket, from that thousand company name that already accept me as their newbie'.
Definitely nope....

Have I do something to make 'it' happen?
Yes, been there also. Until tonight.
I just thank God for all...
And surrender all in His hand.
I do believe, He will make a way where there seems to be no way.

One of my brother - abang angkat : CHarles, told me that:
"Please do not use your hearth, just follow the rules and use your logic, and the most important thing is: JANGAN GAMPANG SAKIT HATI - AYO DIBAHASA INGGRISKAN ANAK2. YANG BISA DAPAT CIUMAN CUMA-CUMA :p"

It will make you happier.

Taraaaaaa......

After 8 months I don't even saw his face, I decided to see him

for the first time.
But, what I've got....
Nope dear...
He just maked an excuse.
I'm to bussy...

SORRY....

Simple sorry, for 8 months...
Simple sorry, for 2 hours, waiting for you to call until 'my cacing protes menjerit2 kelaparan'. hehehehehe
Yes again, as ussual a simple sorry to make me just a sweet little girl.

Ok. Thanks for those kind of sorry *hiks*


Taraaaa.....

Then,in the middle of really good evening...
He's yelling me again.
I wanna go from this house.
Who d' hell are you want to control of my life.
Let me stand on my own foot.

I don't need you.
I don't care.
That's it!!!

Taraaaa........

This is all your fault.
You make this things happen.
See, you already make the same mistake thousand.

I don't believe you anymore.
Just come home and we talk.
You need a better life and also maybe you need to get married soon. GUBRAKS!!!!

Taraaaaa.....

Dear God:
Did you see that, every night in my life, I always spent my time to pray.
I just need a new job.
I just need somebody who can accept, loves and complete me - complete with all my family problems
I just need somebody who can be a problem solving not only give her/his comment in my problems. without give me any clue...


I already alone in the dark, just need a light to find a way back home.

Klo bokap dulu suka bilang, berikan aku umpan untuk memancing ikan, jangan beri aku ikan.Karena dengan umpan aku bisa menangkap ikan yang lebih banyak untuk persediaan nanti. Tapi kalau diberi ikan, aku hanya akan tahu menerimanya, tanpa mengetahui bagaimana usaha untuk mendapatkannya.

And the important point is I NEED YOU LORD.

Ai Ho do Tuhan Pargogo di ahu...

P.S:
Sorry, kalau postingannya mendadak terus menerus melow...
Hihihihihihi.... just write... a simple though of me...

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day.
I love you.

P.S.: And, remember...
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME.All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you.. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know!

Now, you have a nice day.

God
God has seen you struggling,
God says it's over.
A blessing is coming your way.
Believe in God.


Thanks to my 'ncit', for those blessing email :).
Really makes me stronger than before.
*Sigh*, Lately, I thought that life was not so friendly as seems to me.

I know, it just a simple as you sent a little pray to heaven and then talk to your Father. And, all there will be ok.

God will make a way, where there seems to be no way.
Amin.

Sssssstttt...
Tahu kah kau...
Aku ingin sekali menaburkan musim semi dihari-hariku...
Menaburkan kembali rona merah dipipi matahariku...

Dan membisikkan ucapan berkat dijendela telingaku...

Tapi, selalu saja ada kabut hitam membayangi...
Kusibak kan...
Dia datang lagi...
Kusibakkan kembali...
Dia menjadi...jadi...

Hahahahahahaa....
Akhirnya aku tertawa dan bermain dengan sang kabut...

Maka, semuanya berubah...
Pipi matahariku tidak lagi merah...
Hari-hariku tak lagi bersemi...
Dan, jendela telingaku tak lagi terberkati...

Yang ada...aku ditemani oleh kabut, hujan, guntur dan kilat...
Semua element alam yang paling kuat dan menakutkan...
Ketika aku coba berlari dan lepas dari kabut, hujan, petir dan guntur...
Mereka mengikatku kuat...erat dan gemas...
Seakan tak ingin aku bebas dan merengkuh matahariku, musim semi ku dan jendela telingaku...

Aku menangis...
Aku tertawa...
Aku sedih...
Aku senang...
Aku bahagia...

Dan aku berduka...

Tapi terlebih dari itu...
Aku bersyukur...

Akhirnya, aku bisa berdansa, berdendang, menari, bertepuk tangan, dan berputar-putar
dengan teman-teman matahariku, musim semiku dan jendela telingaku ...
Aku tidak akan berubah...
Aku hanya akan pergi ke tempat yang lebih baik...

Yup...
Semuanya akan baik-baik saja...

Arrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhh

"Siapa mba?"

"Aku kak?"

"BUMB" - pintu ditutup dengan kerasnya

(Langsung bergegas buka tas, ambil gunting, ambil kotak, masukin semua barang.
Lem, telphone taksi- SEGERA!!!)

"MBA, SAYA MAU MAKAN GORENG AYAMNYA. SEKARANG.... SEGERA!!!"

"BUMB" - pintu kamar ditutup dengan kerasnya.

(terdengar suara sayup2 dari kamar...."dasar anak tak tahu diri berani benar dia datang...")


-taksi datang-

"Mba bilang yach, aku pergi ke ibu ya, titip salam sama bapak."
"Jaga bapak baik2 yach, siapin makannya, masakain obatnya tiap hari."
"Kasih kabar ke saya, kalau ada apa2 sama bapak, kamu bisa hubungi saya disini"

"Iya non...."


"Siang pak..."
"Arah Kuningan yach pak!"


(Then I cried)
(She never changed)
(Not even a single words, shout from her mouth or even words to start the conversation)
(Almost half year...and there's still no solution)

Dear God in Heaven.
I really...really tired.
Hold me, and please never let me go.
I only have You as mine now.

May I be with you God?
-silly question-
-still have a lot of things to do here, dearest Jo-
-still long journey until you find, what exactly you want in live-